The Child Called It, David Pelzer
The Contender, Alfred Brooks
Brooklyn, Donatelli's Gym, Madison Square Garden
Twenty years have gone by now since Alfred Brook’s boxing career ended. During this time, Donatelli has passed away and Alfred has taken over the gym in Brooklyn, turning average men into contenders. Alfred has since kept the name Donatelli’s Gym in memory of him.
One night, Alfred was training a few men and he looked out the window. He saw a young kid, maybe 25. He watched the scrawny kid pacing back and forth staring at the sign that read Donatelli’s Gym. The kid continued to pace for a couple of minutes looking up into the windows of the gym and eventually, he opened the door. Alfred heard the footsteps of the young man jogging up the stairs and once he saw him, it brought back a flashback of Alfred when he first walked into Donatelli’s. Alfred noticed the kid was very skinny and had what looked like a couple scars on his face.
Alfred immediately said to the kid, “What’s your name and why do you come to Donatelli’s gym?”
The kid replied, “My name is David Pelzer and I come to be a boxer.”
Alfred then replied, “You have come to the right place David. Take off your shirt to get your height and weight recorded. About 130 pounds, five feet nine inches. David, why do you want to become a boxer?” Alfred once again noticed a couple scars on David’s body.
David replied, “Mr. Brooks, I want to become a champion.”
Alfred then chuckled and said, “You were exactly like me when I was your age. You have to want to become a contender first, but with that takes a lot of hard work and dedication. I want you to get up every morning at 5 o’clock sharp no later and go for a two-mile jog for conditioning. Then, I want you to do 100 pushups and 100 sit-ups and then finish with a couple of eggs for protein. Then later in the evening I want you in my gym at 6 o’clock for a couple hours.”
David then nervously replied, “Yes sir,” and thought to himself what has he gotten himself into. David got up and followed the schedule everyday. Once he got to the gym, Alfred would work with him one on one because he liked David because he was like himself. After about David’s fourth time to the gym, Alfred noticed he had very good fist speed but he still had improvement for strength, but he was very tough. He thought David was the toughest in the gym even though he had never seen him against a real opponent yet. Alfred then asked David, “Why do you have so many scars over your body?”
David replied, “My mom used to beat me when I was younger.” He continued to tell Alfred all of the stories and games his mom used to “play” with him. Alfred learned where he had gotten his toughness. Alfred felt bad for the kid and later invited him over for dinner.
After about six weeks of training and only hitting a bag, David began to get frustrated and nearly quit. Later that evening of the sixth week, David almost quit until Alfred told him he was ready and he had scheduled a fight for him at Madison Square Garden the following Sunday.
On the Sunday of the match, David became very nervous but excited. He met Alfred at six o’clock to bring him to his match. Once they arrived in the locker room, Alfred had a talk with young David.
About five minutes later David Stepped into the ring with Alfred at ringside and his opponent at the other end. Alfred then said, “Congratulations kid, you have just completed your first step to become a champion. You are now a contender.” Immediately after Alfred said this, the bell rang to begin the match.
(660 words)
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I feel like this was a well written story because it made a lot of key points the books did. I remembered David pacing back and forth outside the gym and I really pictured that in my head a little kid walking back and forth. Some ideas in my head right now are why was thinking about not entering the gym? What did he have to lose? The story made me think about boxing and how much work it really is to become a successful boxer.
ReplyDeleteI believed that the dialogue was authentic because i think that a trainer and a boxer would say those things. When he was working out in the gym and following the schedule Alfred planned for him. One thing that would make the dialogue a little better is to have more thorough conversations and not just short boring responses.
"About five minutes later David Stepped into the ring with Alfred at ringside and his opponent at the other end. Alfred then said, “Congratulations kid, you have just completed your first step to become a champion. You are now a contender.” Immediately after Alfred said this, the bell rang to begin the match." This really stood out to me because this was the biggest accomplishment in the whole story and i thought it was very important.
I thought the part that distracted me the most was that is was very quick and most of the topics didn't go into greater detail. Also, He uses the word then several times in his writing it would be helpful to replace this word with other words.
Next time consider describing things in greater detail and rereading your paper so you don't have constant word repetition. Other than that i thought the essay was pretty good and it was written well.
i think this was a very well writen story. it told a lot about each book and had a lot of information from both ofthe books he read. it made me remember a lot about the contender and they way Alfred went through the same training and nearly quit just like David. it made me picture the two of them working out and training together. it made me think about how important it is to be persistant.
ReplyDeletethe converstaion between the two characters seemed very authentic because it fit the story very well. it also made the story flow better. what made the characters seem real and natural is the conversations between the two and also the idea of quiting. this is because many people get the idea of quiting when things get hard for them. this also helped make the conversation seem very natural.
My favorite part of the story was the beginging. "Twenty years have gone by now since Alfred Brook’s boxing career ended. During this time, Donatelli has passed away and Alfred has taken over the gym in Brooklyn, turning average men into contenders. Alfred has since kept the name Donatelli’s Gym in memory of him." this particular part of the begining was my favorite part because it sort of continued to the end of the contender telling what it wouldve been like if it continued. this also stood out to me because it seems like this is what would have happend if the contender continued they way it was.
what i found distracting in this essay is how it seemed to go fast. for example certin details seemed to bee rushed through. but i think the diaolog was mainly correct as well as the grammer and punctuation. also to mix up some of the words in it as not to be repeating.
something i miht consider fixing in this is adding to the end to tell how the boxing match turned out also how david ended up. for example what happend after the match, did he quit, or become a champion. also slowing down the pace fo the story to explain more of the detail. that way it explains all of the things in the story more.
over all great story!
from jon
I thought that the story was very disciptive and well written. It gave a lot of detail from both stories. Also, I thought the setting was disciptive and i could picture Alfred at the gym.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion I thought the dialogue was well written and it fitted perfect with the story. My favorite discussion between them was when Alfred tells David that you have become a contender and the story ends.
My favorite part in the story is when Alfred is telling David not to quit because you have your first match sunday. Also, right before the match begins Alfred says congradulations you have become a contender and the story ends like that. Thats my favorite part.
Something i found that was a little off was it was a little to brief and quick. For example his training was only a couple sentences long which should be a lot more than that.But all in all I thuoght it was a good story.
Something I might change is making the training longer and more disciptive. Also, knowing what happened to David after the match, does he keep boxing? Does he quit? Thats what I would like to know.
From Tom
I thought the story was well written. I feel you gave good detail on both characters to make me understand the plot even though i read the books. What i could picture was Alfred and David walking down to the ring and getting in the ring, then the bell ringing and the match starting. This story gave me the idea that if you work your hardest at something and keep trying you have a better chance at getting what you want rather than giving up.
ReplyDeleteThe dialouge between the two characters seemeed pretty authentic. If i was Alfred i would have asked David about his scars too. Also i like how you said i took six weeks for him to get a fight, rather than rushing David into a fight the first night.
"About five minutes later David Stepped into the ring with Alfred at ringside and his opponent at the other end. Alfred then said, “Congratulations kid, you have just completed your first step to become a champion. You are now a contender.” Immediately after Alfred said this, the bell rang to begin the match." I really like this scene because it shows David going from a person who trains, to a contender.
One thing in the story that i found to be distracting was that David only hit a bag then went into a fight a Madison Square Garden. I liked how he had to wait six weeks before fighting, but i think he should have done some sparing. So that he actually knows what it feels like to get punched, because bag don't hit back.
Overall, i think you did a good job Sean. The only thing i would ask you to do to make the story better is make David spar a couple of times. Also i would like to know how the fight ended, and what was David's goal after the fight. Did he like it? Or not? NICE WORK
I felt that this story was well written and that it was very inspiring. After reading this story I felt inspired to try hard and give my best effort in everything I do. As I read this story I saw David climbing into the ring and listening to Alfreds words of encouragement. It makes me think that if you work hard at something you can accomplish anything. This story makes me think about me playing football and how I work hard to accomplish my goals and become a better player.
ReplyDeleteI feel that the the conversation between the two characters was authentic. When reading the story I realized that it shows what Alfred is thinking as well as what he is saying just like in the book. Also it is a believeable concept that these two characters would meet because Alfred loved boxing and takeing over the gym is something he would do. If he did do this, would've met and trained alot of fighters.And in meeting all of these fighters there would be a story for each of them.
My favorite part of the story was the end when Alfred said, "Congratulations kid, you have just completed your first step to becomie a champion. You are now a contender." This stood out to me because it shows that hard work does pay off. Also that if you put your mind to something you can accomplish what you wish to accomplish.
I found that his training was to short and you could've expanded on that. Also that there were no sparing sessions in his trainging. There should've been more than this. Also its should've been more in depth not just saying he trained for six weeks then fought.
Other than that though it was very well written. It could've been alittle longer and descriptive, but overall it was good. In the future try to be more descriptive and alittle longer to allow the story to develop rather than rush through parts like David's training. If you do this it could help you're writing. Overall though keep up the good work.